Seth Meyers ripped into congressional Republicans who continued to back Donald Trump on Thursday’s Late Night, a day after the House approved impeachment proceedings against the president for a second time. Florida’s Matt Gaetz, for example, attempted to compare last week’s Capitol riot to nationwide Black Lives Matter protests this summer, and ended up sounding “like an angry frat dude telling the dean why it was actually Sigma Chi’s fault that the Greek row burned down,” said Meyers.
But Meyer’s “favorite example of GOP psychosis” was Marjorie Taylor Greene, a representative from Georgia who has promoted QAnon, claimed there was an Islamic invasion of the government, touted an AR-15 in a campaign video, and refused to certify Biden’s electoral victory even after the deadly Capitol riot.
On Wednesday, Greene wore a mask emblazoned “censored” as she addressed the House with a microphone. “Do you know how dumb you look?” Meyers sputtered. “You’re speaking on the floor of the House of Representatives and being broadcast on national television. It’s like LeBron James wearing a shirt that says ‘play me, coach!’”
“These people will stop at nothing to make themselves feel like victims,” he continued. “They have no actual policies or principles, they just spin wild fantasies of persecution.”
“These people have devoted themselves to the Trump cult,” Meyers later added, “but if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that no matter how much loyalty you show, he’s never, ever, ever going to repay it.”
Case in point: Trump’s refusal to pay his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, the man who fronted the president’s spurious and wildly unsuccessful election fraud lawsuits in several states, for his time or travel expenses.
“Impeachment was great, but there really is no more perfect way for this to end than Trump stiffing Rudy,” Meyers said. “Guy spent all that time flying to state capitols, rounding up witnesses from the bars at TGI Fridays and Buffalo Wild Wings, and now Trump won’t even reimburse him.”
“I’m deeply worried about the disease sweeping this country: fascism,” said Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s Late Show. “And Covid, but one plague at a time, please.” As for the first plague, the House “did their part to inoculate democracy” on Wednesday by impeaching Donald Trump for a second time.
Trump is “mentally unstable, a habitual liar, prone to fits of rage, and has assembled a private army of violent followers who will do everything he commands”, Colbert said, yet outgoing the Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, declared that a Senate trial would not occur until after Biden’s inauguration on 20 January.
“That’s where the Democrats messed up – if they really wanted to get rid of him, instead of impeaching the president, they should’ve just nominated him for the supreme court,” Colbert joked, referring to the hasty confirmation of Justice Amy Coney Barrett last fall. “McConnell would’ve had him in a black robe the next day.”
With only five days remaining until Biden takes office, “this year’s inauguration is less democratic celebration and more military occupation,” Colbert remarked; due to last week’s Capitol riot and ongoing security threats, the National Mall will be closed Biden’s swearing-in ceremony patrolled by 20,000 national guardsmen. “Now, if you have trouble telling your rioters in camo from the good guys in camo, the national guard will be the ones without the Confederate flags,” Colbert quipped.
On The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon eulogized the once tight, fact-free relationship between Trump and Giuliani, who have reportedly fallen out over legal fees. “These two were inseparable, and now it’s come to this? It feels like Dr Frankenstein breaking up with Igor.”
Giuliani was reportedly blindsided by the decision – “although when you have hair dye constantly leaking into your eyes, it’s hard to see anything coming”, Fallon joked. Trump has now instructed aides to route all requests – Giuliani reportedly charged $20k per day for his legal services – and travel expenses through him first for approval. “That’s great, the president spending his last days in office going over receipts like he’s Janice from accounting,” Fallon said.
With Giuliani gone from his orbit, Trump is more lonely than ever. “Trump can’t even go to his own bathroom without getting depressed,” Fallon joked. “His hair dye reminds him of Rudy Giuliani, his Q-tips remind him of Mike Pence, and his toilet reminds him of Twitter.”
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel also mourned the end of the Rudy-Trump relationship. “Imagine he turns on Rudy? Working for Trump and expecting to get paid is like having dinner with Chris Christie and expecting a doggy bag,” he joked.
The president has reportedly refused to take Giuliani’s calls any more – “now the only way for Rudy to get through is if someone says his name three times in a mirror,” Kimmel quipped.
The fallout exemplifies “what Trump does: even if you don’t jump ship, sooner or later he’ll throw you off it”, Kimmel said. Giuliani “went from being America’s mayor to the parking lot of a dildo store trying to dig up dirt for Trump. The only dirt he could find was coming out of his hair, but what does he get for his troubles? Not paid for the work he did.”