“The modern conservative movement seems concerned above all else with preserving their solemn right to be dicks to everyone around them,” said Seth Meyers on Thursday’s Late Night as he tore into Fox News. “And they like to say that facts don’t care about your feelings until you hurt their feelings by politely asking them to wear a mask or stop using racist slurs, and then they melt down.”
On the mask point, Meyers referred to Ted Cruz, the Texas senator who earlier this week irritatedly refused to wear a mask after requested by a reporter. “Man, Ted Cruz is the Steph Curry of being a giant dick. He never misses a shot,” Meyers said. “He’s the kind of guy who would come to your house for a dinner party and when you politely ask him to take his feet off the table says ‘you’re welcome to leave, if you like.’
“In that situation, Ted Cruz was the one who was vaccinated. He’s the one who was unlikely to get sick,” Meyers explained. While preliminary data suggests that vaccinations prevent asymptomatic spread, he continued, Cruz broke CDC recommendations and common decency by refusing to mask up before un-vaccinated reporters.
“Apparently he couldn’t care less if anyone else in the room got sick. My God, no wonder his neighbors ratted him out when he went to Cancún,” Meyers said, referring to the PR fiasco last month when Cruz and his family flew to Mexico as his constituents froze without power in Texas.
Cruz then lied about the details, and was exposed when their friends leaked group chats to the New York Times. “You know how unlikable you have to be for your neighbors to go to the press?” Meyers scoffed. “If you invite someone to go on vacation and their reaction is, ‘I’m telling the New York Times,’ you might be a bad guy.”
And on the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon recapped Joe Biden’s first press conference as president. “Normally when a 78-year-old answers an hour of questions they’re getting a physical,” he joked. The presser was “quite the event”, he continued. “If you did a shot every time Biden said ‘look, folks,’ you got drunker than a ship captain in the Suez canal.”
Biden announced during the conference that Kamala Harris would oversee the challenges at the US-Mexico border, where immigration advocates say an increase in the number of unaccompanied minors seeking asylum has been mischaracterized by conservative media as a “crisis”.
“It’s similar to how Trump put Pence in charge of handling the pandemic – when the going gets tough, presidents are like ‘you’ve got this, right? You handle this,’ Fallon joked. “It’s like a middle school principal telling the vice-principal, ‘I’ll stay here while you chaperone the field trip to the glass museum.’”
In other news, Fallon later added, the New York State legislature has reached an agreement to legalize marijuana. “You’ll know when weed is legal when tourists are walking behind New Yorkers being like ‘let’s go, let’s go!’” Fallon said. “Soon you’ll see a guy on the street be like, ‘hey, you took my parking spot! Enjoy it, friend.’”