If you’ve ever wondered what it might be like to, say, have a sexual encounter with Mike Pence, Kindle has you covered.
In recent years, Amazon’s e-books market has nurtured a flourishing cottage industry of self-published romance and erotic literature – and the Trump years have inspired many to put pen to paper. The most successful authors (most write under pseudonyms) are known for their prolific publication, thesaurus-aided descriptions of the human anatomy, and responsiveness to current events.
The surreality of the past four years was particularly generative of their creative juices. With the Trump era now drawn to a chaotic close, we decided to review four of the most memorable entries in this niche literary genre.
Join me on a journey into the steamiest jungles of human desire.
1 My Antifa Lover: A Riot of the Heart (Jessica Stranger)
My Antifa Lover is an 88-page romance novella about a young and lonely congresswoman, Alexandria, who meets a charismatic anarchist engaged in the “non-violent burning-down” of a US federal building. “[S]he can’t tell what is hotter,” the blurb says, “the fire or her feelings developing for him.”
At a mere $2.99, the Kindle Single cried out for downloading.
Alexandria, an idealistic freshman legislator with “dark black eyes” [sic] and collarbones “as visible as day”, sponsors a bill to toughen divorce legislation. At a press conference, she is confronted by an angry protester who accuses her bill of unfairly penalizing men. (One of the many confusing aspects of My Antifa Lover is that the antifa lover actually sounds more like a men’s right’s activist.)
Alexandria is disturbed by the encounter, but can’t stop thinking about the handsome protester’s “piercing blue eyes”. She is even more confused and ideologically torn when the same man later saves her from a fire started by an angry mob.
I will be honest and say that My Antifa Lover is a mess – not good-bad, or so-bad-it’s-good, but mostly just bad: overly-long, syntactically challenged, and unconvincing in its descriptions of the inner workings of Congress. There’s also no sex, which is rather crushing to those who trudge through all 88 pages.
Amazon readers seemed to agree with my lackluster assessment. “Complete and utter trash,” one reviewer complained, “just like the ideology it represents.”
My rating: one out of five stars.
2 Hot Mike: A VICE Presidential Erotic Short (Joseph Marlowe)
Disappointed with the tepid chastity of My Antifa Lover, I decided to head for more hot-and-heavy territory. “Donald Trump EROTIC,” I typed into Amazon, and began my journey deeper into the algorithmic depths of smut literature.
My first stop on this tour of the erotic body politic was Hot Mike: A VICE Presidential Erotic Short. The short story details the sexual awakening of “Michael Prince”, vice-president of the United States and a “silver fox” from the conservative heartland. One day Prince receives an irate phone call from his boss, the president. The “goddamn Greeks” are holding up an important business negotiation involving a resort that the president owns in Mykonos. He demands that Prince fix the matter, and fast.
Vice-President Prince is frustrated by the president’s phone call: “It was the sort of non-issue that had clogged up so much of their time. There were so many important things to be done – the outlawing of homosexuality, for one – and this sort of thing just muddied the waters. Worse, it gave the liberals ammunition. And did [the president] have to blaspheme just so darned much?”
But Prince knows that there’s no point arguing. He secures an audience with the Greek ambassador, Adonis Kreios, but is late to the meeting. Kreios demands that Prince do whatever it takes to “make it right”. This turns out to entail the ambassador’s “tree trunk”– like member, which stares at Prince “with one eye like a Texas congressman”, and a jar of olive oil. Prince’s willingness to seal the deal at any cost earns him the approval of the president.
In writing quality, Hot Mike was a marked improvement over My Antifa Lover. Joseph Marlowe’s story also ends with the tantalizing promise of a sequel: Hot Mike 2: Stealing the Erection. I haven’t read it yet but plan to set aside time to do so.
My rating: five out of five stars.
3 Pounded In The Butt By The Handsome Physical Manifestation Of Tromp’s [sic] Twitter Ban That Should’ve Come Years Sooner But Fine Now That It’s Here High Five (Chuck Tingle)
Chuck Tingle is somewhat of a legend in the world of self-published erotica. He exploded onto the scene with the audience-acclaimed Space Raptor Butt trilogy; Tingle’s gay dinosaur porn soon garnered a cult following. In 2016, the mysterious auteur returned with the first-ever work of Brexit-themed erotica, Pounded by the Pound: Turned Gay by the Socioeconomic Implications of Britain Leaving the European Union.
Tingle’s latest blockbuster is told from the perspective of a man who meets a mysterious entity, Banner, on a dating app. Banner somewhat resembles a dinosaur, but is covered with blue feathers. “I’d seen plenty of dinosaurs on the apps before,” the narrator says, “and dated my fair share of velociraptors and T rexes, but never had I seen such a uniquely handsome prehistoric creature.” But Banner is not a dinosaur, he discovers; he is a “manifested concept”.
When they do finally meet, Banner looks different from his profile picture: he’s still a giant blue bird/dinosaur, but now has a circle and slash overlaid on his body. Apropos of Twitter’s recent decision to ban Trump, the narrator tells Banner that he appreciates “you finally removing that treasonous bigoted fuck from your social media platform”.
Later they canoodle on the roof of Twitter’s headquarters. As they begin foreplay, the narrator teases Banner: “I’m gonna make you wait a bit, just like you made the world wait for Tromp [sic] to get deplatformed.”
Tingle’s 37-page story appeared within 24 hours of the announcement of Twitter’s permanent ban of Donald Trump, so Tingle is either one of the fastest writers alive or he had really been longing forward to this moment.
My rating: five out of five stars.
4 Putin on the Trump: A Vladimir Putin-Donald Trump Erotic Journey (Chesty LaRou)
While a student at Wharton business school, young Donald Trump meets his new roommate – an enigmatic, rugged Russian man named Vlad who walks to class shirtless and leaves hunting knives and fishing lures around their apartment. Donald can’t stop thinking about his handsome new roommate, who cooks strange soups “as red as the communist flag”. When the sexual tension boils over, Donald and Vlad consummate their desire with the aid of an uncooked beet.
Years later, Donald, now president of the United States, re-encounters his former lover, now his opposite number in Russia. They have a multi-day experience in Moscow in which Trump is decidedly the submissive partner.
Although exploring similar themes of desire, power and control, Chesty LaRou’s prose does not rise to the quality of, say, Anaïs Nin or The Story of O; if reader reviews are any guide, however, some things did rise.
“Hot hot hot,” one reviewer proclaimed.
My rating: three out of five stars.